tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90282197366982609552024-02-08T03:29:13.786-08:00Jaci's Soap BoxThe Daily Mail Weekend's Soapwatch columnist Jaci Stephen takes a wider look at the UK's most popular shows.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-73873527944182088522017-01-24T20:46:00.000-08:002017-01-24T20:46:03.250-08:00EastEnders - Busman's (Permanent) Holiday<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">So, who’s under the bus in
EastEnders? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Is it Whitney, as Mick suspects, or is it Lee who, for some not yet
explained reason, had Whitney’s phone on him?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It was the last of many questions I had in two
episodes that have seen tragedy befall the Square (yet again). Here are a few
more. How come that everyone had to wait until Denise, inside the bus, pulled
the EMERGENCY PULL TO OPEN when, outside, it was very clear that there was a
sign saying EMERGENCY PUSH TO OPEN that any of the locals could have read and
acted upon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">How come Stacey didn’t hear the crash? I know she had
the radio on indoors, but nothing short of a Rolling Stones concert at the O2
could have blocked the sound of a whacking great, out of control double-decker
bus careering through your neighbourhood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Why did the fire brigade take so long to arrive? Well,
actually, they haven’t yet; we have to wait until Thursday for that. The
reason, of course, is that the locals had to pull togevver to lift the bus off
Martin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It’s not as daft as it sounds. In 2015 in Walthamstow,
around 40 or 50 people did just that when a circus-performing unicyclist went
into a bus (you really couldn’t make it up). They managed to lift the 12 tonne
bus six inches off the ground and the man was saved. Let’s hope they later
clubbed together to buy him a car. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It was Max who encouraged everyone to gather round for
the big heave-ho (Mick was trying to look concerned but bore his usual
expression of the first throes of rigor mortis). Quite why people were standing
three deep is anyone’s guess because those in the back two rows really weren’t
helping. One extra was smiling so much, I thought she was high on laughing gas.
In all, there were probably only about ten people with any pulling power, which
made the scene a little ludicrous. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Meanwhile, on the Tube, Sylvia had wet herself before
singing Run Rabbit Run. Shirley joined in, much to the amusement of fellow
passengers. Cue more extras.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Speaking of which, did you notice how many extras
there were running around in the market? On any one day, somebody might
purchase an apple and another person a hideous frock (that’s a veritable Black
Friday by Walford Standards), and stall-holders outnumber customers by two to
one. Yet come Deckergate, there were dozens of people running frantically
around, looking for loved ones. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The main cast had the good sense to stay in the
Vic, from where Kaffy informed the emergency services on her mobile that they
had to “stop the trains” on the Tube track. Call me psychic, but I reckon they’d
already got wind of that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m hoping that Martin survives, as I’ve grown rather
fond of him, especially since he led his one-man strike in protest against the
market possibly being moved. Alas, it’s a bit late for that now, as half the
market has already moved to the Tube tracks. Still, it saves the Council the
hassle of shifting it to a new venue. God moves in mysterious ways.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Another thing that’s worrying me is why no one has
tended to the poor driver of the bus. Somebody mentioned that they thought he
fell asleep at the wheel, although it’s clear he had a heart attack. Why,
anyway, had he chosen to take the “long route” instead of the usual one? Does
heart disease make you immune to understanding sat nav?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The poor man is still hunched over the wheel (until
Thursday, alas), and the ambulance, which has inexplicably parked on the other
side of the Square, won’t be able to do a thing when they eventually reach him,
as it’s clear he’s a gonner. Still, you’d think that someone would have
expressed concern. But oh, no; I forgot. He’s an extra. Superfluous to
requirements.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">And so, we wait with bated breath, to see who’s dead.
It’s never who you want though, is it - yes, I’m talking to you, Donna and Kim.
Among the current characters, I could list dozens more – not least, most of
those kids who have miraculously appeared in a school that has also emanated
from nowhere. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">At least more deaths will give Billy and Jay something
to do over the next few days and, hopefully, Honey will continue to provide
Billy with his corned beef and pickle sandwiches he consumes in the front seat
of his vehicle when picking up bodies. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If he offers you one, Jay, don’t touch
it; you know where his hands have been. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "PT Sans"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-64772118235961226462017-01-07T10:56:00.002-08:002017-01-07T10:56:56.040-08:00Don't Drink and Dive - EastEnders' Christmas Message<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">Ongar. EastEnders have put it on the map, only, cruelly, to take it away again with the deaths of Ronnie and Roxy Mitchell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">Having had a festive break, I’m just catching up with the TV I’ve missed, and the spooky, watery death of R & R puts paid to any thoughts the pair had about the new life they were planning in the civil parish in the Epping Forest District in Essex.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">There, you see? I Googled it. Twenty miles north east of London, there is a railway station and, um . . . well, to be honest I can’t see much else. Ongar. The name makes me giggle. I have no idea why. It means “grass land”, and quite why Ronnie had chosen to start her married life there is anybody’s guess (did she know how many Albert Square residents have been buried in that forest?). Every time the word came out of her mouth, it sounded as if she didn’t really understand it, either. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">EastEnders can’t resist a bit of festive rigor mortis; it’s sort of their trademark. The sisters’ death – the worst kept secret in the soap’s history – was particularly dramatic. First, they were drinking too much while sitting on a ledge in the building where Ronnie had just tied the knot with the divine Jack. Alas, instead of hopping into bed with his beloved, Jack was forced to read a bedtime story to . . . I don’t know . . . some sleepy kids (to be honest, I lost count of whose kids are whose in the show years ago). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">The week had already seen Lee contemplating suicide by jumping from a ledge, too, which makes me think there might have been a writer of the Christmas shows just trying to conquer his/her acrophobia.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">Anyway, Lee didn’t jump and decided, instead, to confess all to Mick about his part in the robbery of the Vic. Mick was not happy. In fact, if there had been a ledge, Mick would have pushed Lee off it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">But back to the sisters. So, having survived the car journey in which viewers thought their fate was sealed; having survived the slip on the ledge with bottle in hand . . . what do they do but nip off to the pool for reasons that were even less comprehensible than Ronnie’s sudden love for Ongar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">One minute, Roxy was laughing; the next, there was silence. So, what did Ronnie do but dive into the pool to save her sister – the sister who had already ruined the wedding day and was set to ruin Ongar, too, with Ronnie insisting that she move with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">To be honest, that dress was always going to be the pair’s downfall. Not since the Andrex puppy went berserk in the bathroom have I seen so much flotsam and jetsam just crying out for a disaster. Jumping into the pool to save her sibling, Ronnie couldn’t cope with the frock six feet under, and, if you were looking for a murder weapon, it was the dress wot dunnit. Oh, Ronnie, Ronnie. Don’t drink and dive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">Had the pair gone in a car crash, there would have been two livers that would undoubtedly have been ripe for Phil, who had been languishing in hospital waiting for a transplant. But another donor had already turned up for him and, post-operation, the job lot of yellow make-up the show had been reliant upon to display Phil’s jaundice was suddenly surplus to requirements (does the yellow colour really fade within minutes of the anaesthetic wearing off? Just a medical query. I worry about these things).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">I was always a tad concerned about the way that car crash story might have gone, though. Livers are like buses. You wait for ages for one to come along, then three come along together. Luckily for Phil, in the end he didn’t have to choose. He wouldn’t have wanted Roxy’s, anyway – a liver I suspect was in an even worse way than the one that had already given up on him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">And so, the double whammy brings to an end the age of Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber, the sisters who never realised there was anywhere else to go on holiday other than Ibiza and for whom Ongar was the Downton Abbey of their whole miserable existence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">At least it leaves Jack a single man again – and for that, I suspect, he will be eternally grateful. No more Ronnie. No More Roxy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">More to the point: no more Ongar. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;">Praise the Lord!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-13724989473451721702015-01-11T08:25:00.000-08:002015-01-11T08:25:04.586-08:00The Icing on the Cake - Kirk and Beth's Corrie Wedding<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You don’t see Madonna
for ages, and then three come along together in Coronation Street. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt;">Maddie (who
scrubbed up very well), Sophie, and bride Beth all dressed as the pop star for
the latter’s Eighties themed wedding. Beth was not happy, but dealt with the
situation by pointing that the girls were in “vogue Madonna from 1990”.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As with all soap weddings,
Friday’s event had the usual will they/won’t they element when Kirk (who eventually turned up as Adam Ant) had a panic
attack about the first dance. His nerves weren’t helped by Beth’s extended
family (wonderful – we really have to see more of this heavy drinking, Fraggle
Rock convention), who were not impressed with Beth’s choice of groom. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Beth had no such trouble. “I
promise to love you on fat days and thin days,” she said, in her pre-written
vows. We’re still waiting for the thin days, but it was the right sentiment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jonathan Harvey, who wrote the
first of Friday’s episodes, camped it up in his inimitable style, with Sean
trying to explain his tennis racquet-bearing get-up – “George Michael from his
Club Tropicana days”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">There was an equally good episode
from Perrie Balthazar, who I presume is a new writer, as the name didn’t ring
any bells. Julie was in an increasingly distressed state with Mary taking
credit for the cake’s icing (I absolutely love the hilarity this pair continue
to create), and Julie finally losing I with Beth’s mother, who was flirting
with Dev. “Weddings. Alcohol and polyester,” she sobbed outside the pub, “it’s
a powder keg waiting to blow.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sally, fresh from rampant sex on
the sofa with Tim, missed the ceremony but was in a good mood at the reception:
“Everybody’s all right after a few glasses of Prosecco, aren’t they?” Yes. Even
Tim.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I felt a bit sorry for Tracy, who
must have been thinking about the wedding she was supposed to have had to Rob.
She sat solemnly at the bar next to a plate of sausage rolls, vol-au-vents and
sandwiches, assuring Beth that she was all right – “Can’t beat a beige buffet.”
She was certainly attracting the attentions of Maria and Kirk’s father, Eric, who
looked the wrong side of several thousand beige buffets. She, however, had eyes
only for Tony, who is another powder keg waiting to blow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Kirk’s mother’s wedding gift was
two flights to Cyprus. “Ayia Napa?” said a hopeful Beth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alas, no. The accommodation is with the
new in-laws. One can only hope and pray for a spin-off of that honeymoon
escapade.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The overall message on Friday was
All’s well that ends well. The couple were hitched, Dev declared that he liked
Julie’s outburst, Liz insisted that she was taking a depressed Steve to Spain
(as if that were not enough to deepen any depression), and Maria made up with
Luke who, a week ago, Audrey had said looked like “a young Sidney Poitier”.
Really? A Hawaiian American? Soaps’ insistence of lumping together all non-white
skinned individuals continues to drive me nuts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Even Sean ended the day with a smile
on his face when his new vicar beau Billy turned up. I dread to think how they
made use of that tennis racquet when the festivities ended.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">So, good luck to the newly weds
and, with Julie catching the bouquet, maybe this was prequel to what will soon
be another wedding. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I can hear Mary sharpening her cake knife even as I write.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-18064402659939623442014-12-28T08:48:00.002-08:002014-12-28T10:10:06.403-08:00Christmas in CartEnders<div style="color: #292f33; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">And so to Christmas in Albert Square, courtesy of the EastEnders.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Dear Lord, where do I start? Let’s begin with the basics. Ian’s glasses. Get him a decent pair. Enough said on that front.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Jane and Ian in bed together. Sorry, I just wasn’t buying it. Unlike Ian, who has done exactly that in the past. The idea that he could get it any other way is, of course preposterous. Laughable, even.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">The Nazir family getting into the spirit of Christmas. They’ve only just had presents for one of their bi-annual Eid celebrations. Now they’re just being greedy.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Okay, now on to the big stuff. It is only a year since the Carter family moved into the Square, but they soon made it their own, so much so that I have taken to calling it CartEnders, which it undoubtedly is.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Now, Danny Dyer as Mick Carter. It’s a thin line between acting emotion and looking as if you can’t quite see because you’ve lost a contact lens, and over the festive period Mick lost a lot of contact lenses. Even when Linda told him she had been raped by Dean, it looked as if he was scanning the floor in case said lost lens should saucer into view.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">This was supposed to be a big climactic moment, but this, along with so much else, seemed to be more of a spoof than real drama. The whole gamut of “The Dummies Guide to Expression Acting” was here. There was SITMD (Staring Into The Middle Distance) Nancy; Angry Shirley; Hurt Mick (Optrex, you should really keep your eye on this one – I see a lucrative advertising deal beckoning); Jolly But Secretly Worried Babe; Botox Bruvver of Mick (I still have no idea what his name is); and so many other CartEnders, I would get Repetitive Strain Injury were I to start writing about them all.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Now, let me set the scene for The Big Moment. My mum and I were on the sofa, having been watching TV for what seemed like years (nothing on, as always), and enjoying (I use the word very loosely) the usual EastEnders unhappy Christmas. Just as Mick had taken to the floor to find another lost contact lens (or beat up on Dean, as they would have us believe), Shirley tried to bring a halt to the proceedings by announcing that Dean was, in fact Mick’s bruvver (although, in fairness, she did say “brother”; it’s just funnier the other way).</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Quite why she thought this would stop Mick is anybody’s guess. Even the most cursory reading of the Cain and Abel story should be indication enough that the sure way guaranteed to encourage someone to beat another to a pulp is by shouting “He’s your brother!”</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">It stopped Mick in his tracks, but he soon announced that this made no difference whatsoever, and off he went on another contact lens hunting expedition, stopping only to find Linda’s ring left on the bedroom dresser. I like to think that she has merely nipped off to the hairdresser, because, to be frank, not since Mary turned up at the stable without a hairdryer has such a messy coiffure graced Christmas.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">I watched it all again at about 2am, just to be certain the whole thing hadn’t been a ridiculous dream, but, alas, it hadn’t. Does Shirley really look 14 years older than Mick (she claimed she had him at that age). Would Stan (the always terrific Timothy West, who must really have been desperate for the money to take this role on) really not have twigged that when his wife went off to a caravan for a few months and returned with a baby, that all might not be as it seemed?</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">I really rate producer Dominic Treadwell Collins, who returned to the show at the end of 2012 and breathed new life into it. But the CartEnders have taken over to the detriment of other characters. It’s good to see Nick Cotton (John Altman) back – the show needed a new villain, albeit a resurrected one – and there can never be enough Mitchells for my liking.</span></div>
<div class="p2">
</div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">It seems as if the CartEnders are here to stay, though, with news of renewed contracts and, doubtless, more branches of the family crawling out of the woodwork. </span></div>
<div class="p3">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">In the meantime, Mick, I really hope you find that contact lens.</span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-27381023380027260632013-07-20T02:23:00.000-07:002013-07-20T02:37:00.901-07:00Which Soap is my Favourite? The Truth . . . <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The
question I most frequently get asked about the soaps is “Which is your
favourite?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The truth
is, it varies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">For the
most part, I think the writing in Coronation Street beats all the others hands
down. The combination of pathos and laugh aloud humour manifests itself both in
big, hard-hitting storylines and also lighter ones.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">EastEnders
is not without its laughs, too. Jake Wood, who plays Max, has terrific comic
timing and can also do the heavy stuff (his farewell scenes with Tanya were
among the best the show has ever done). I also like EastEnders for Jack. Oh
yes, Jack. Dark, handsome Jack, who was once handcuffed to a radiator – a
vision that has never left me, even after all these years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Emmerdale
has some terrific characters, but its recent heavy reliance on drug plots has,
for me, been tedious. I know it’s an important issue; it’s just one that has
never interested me. But they have plenty of animals – and that’s always an
attraction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hollyoaks
has an abundance of eye candy and non-stop action these days. Every week brings
another “revelation” or a “blast from the past” for at least one character.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The
Australian soaps cannot match ours for dialogue or plot, but Neighbours has the
divine Dr Karl (whose medical skills know no bounds – is there anything he cannot
treat?), and Home and Away has the hilarious Marilyn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Personally,
I preferred Home and Away when Summer Bay was exactly that – a Bay, with golden
sand and waves, rather then the gangland breeding ground for sun-worshiping Mafia
types it has become. There is way too much violence now, too many guns, and too
many hospitals with people lying in comas – or recuperating following one of
the show’s ubiquitous car crashes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’m a big
fan of American soaps, although the dropping of 90210 has been traumatising.
Still, it became too heavy on promoting the musical careers of its stars
(something to which Australian soaps are also prone), and there are only so
many men in Beverly Hills with whom Naomi could have endured yet another
disastrous relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So, the
answer to which soap is my favourite, is: it varies from day to day, hour to
hour. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But give me
good writing, strong characters and top totty and I’m happy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">CHECK OUT
MY BLOG ABOUT AMERICAN TV ON <a href="http://jascisusbox.blogspot.com/">http://jascisusbox.blogspot.com</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">AND ALSO .MY
LOS ANGELES BLOG<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><a href="http://lanotsoconfidential.blogspot.com/">http://lanotsoconfidential.blogspot.com</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER @welshjaci and <complete id="goog_1134823289">@jacissoapbox</complete><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-44069717869519375202011-09-21T07:17:00.001-07:002011-09-21T07:17:06.793-07:00What's Hot, What's NotWHAT’S HOT AND WHAT’S NOT IN THE WORLD OF SOAP<br />
<br />
HOT<br />
<br />
1. David Essex as Eddie Moon (EastEnders). I once interviewed him for two hours, during which time he got in barely six words – “Thanks”, every 20 minutes, as I gushed about his many talents.<br />
<br />
2. Dr Matt (Coronation Street). Can’t help wondering what he finds to talk about with Tina, though. Safe to say it’s not Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.<br />
<br />
3. Slow burning relationship between Lauren and Marlon (Emmerdale). Hurry up and take her over that stove, man; the suspense is killing us.<br />
<br />
4. Father Francis (Hollyoaks). For a man of the cloth, he isn’t half quick to contemplate getting out of it at every opportunity. He’s probably downing the communion wine behind closed doors, too.<br />
<br />
5. Performances from Alison King and Andrew Lancel as Carla and Frank (Coronation Street). Outstanding stuff in the ongoing rape storyline. And there’s more to come.<br />
<br />
NOT<br />
<br />
1. Dev’s son Aadi, allegedly being the next Tiger Woods (Coronation Street). Hard to believe any kids springing from Dev’s loins could be talented at anything. Let’s hope the kid puts that club to good use off the golf course.<br />
<br />
2. Amy/Air-Mee’s hair (Emmerdale). Is it animal, vegetable or mineral? Whichever, it looks in need of a good wash. Well, a shearing wouldn’t go amiss, either.<br />
<br />
3. Rosie’s new short hairdo (Coronation Street). Hard to believe she’s been picking up modelling jobs with it. Next week she claims to have landed a stint on Lorraine Kelly, on the catwalk. Yeah, right. And I’m a haggis.<br />
<br />
4. Toadie’s new job with the Council (Neighbours). If we thought his job as a solicitor was dull, this one is a veritable rigor mortis of excitement.<br />
<br />
5. Hayley’s red mac (Coronation Street). She’s been cemented into it since day one in 1998. Is there anyone on the planet who doesn’t buy a new coat at least once every 13 years?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-41738432975650200882011-04-22T14:13:00.000-07:002011-04-22T21:46:38.251-07:00Easter Soap ThoughtsSo, the baby story on EastEnders has finally come to an end, and that now leaves me free to ponder all those niggling, worrying questions that I have been shelving.<br />
<br />
Such as: what has happened to Paddy’s hair in Emmerdale? I have been Googling this for a while, and apparently there is no sinister story: the general theory is that he has been wearing a wig for some time (I hadn’t even noticed) and probably just got fed up with the heat of filming under it (I suspect Corrie’s Sophie has the same feeling under that crinoline toilet roll cover of a beret she has been wearing of late).<br />
<br />
Also, on Emmerdale: what has happened to Kelly’s face? I adore Adele Silva, who plays her (nobody bitches it better), but how and when did she acquire those lips? <br />
<br />
Did she give birth to Elliott through her mouth?<br />
<br />
As a side note in relation to Emmerdale . . . I was watching (for about the 20th time) To Sir With Love today and noticed, in the credits, the name of Christopher Chittell (along with names such as Lulu, Judy Geeson and Adrienne Posta – all very big in their day, for those of you young enough to be my children/grand children). He had a pretty signifiacent role, too, as the young Potter. And he is amazing. <br />
<br />
I assumed it was the same Chris (and subsequently discovered it to be him - thank you, again, Google), who has brilliantly (and just as amazingly) been playing Eric Pollard for aeons in Emmerdale, and I was really thrilled to see his name in the credits of what is, to me, one of the greatest films ever made. Blimey! He is one of the most lovely actors I have ever met and could - and should - be screaming from the rooftops about this role, which his young self carries off with extraordinary sensitivity. <br />
<br />
I don't care how long ago it was. Talent is talent. Gosh. Honestly. I'm even more in awe of him than I already was. How many of you know this about the guy? <br />
<br />
If you haven’t seen To Sir With Love (virtual children and grand children!), do! It is an incredible, brave film, with a moral heart that is so lacking in much of today’s cinema, and I spent Good Friday in tears after watching the star of the movie, Sidney Poitier, in another of his great films, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? <br />
<br />
I met Sidney last year in LA and was beside myself with excitement. We often forget how far we have come in relation to prejudice, not only in relation to racism, but life in general – and how very far we still have to go. Anyway, I was thrilled to see Chris’s name, and young performers should be reminded of what is undoubtedly a privilege to be working with actors who have trodden the boards long before their own trees were even planted. But I digress . . . <br />
<br />
So, other things that I have been thinking about . . . How many wigs does Corrie’s Hayley have – one week light brown, the next week dark? Will she ever go shopping for a new Mac (the coat, not the laptop) to replace that red one, and could she possibly take EastEnders’ Alfie, cemented into that black leather jacket, with her when she does?<br />
<br />
Will EastEnders’ Jack ever have sex with anyone who (a) doesn’t get pregnant, (b) is me? <br />
<br />
Okay, I digress again, but he really is the hottest totty out there at the moment, although I await David Essex’s arrival with great trepidation). I saw Mr Essex in Godspell in London's Wyndham's Theatre in 1972 (the year I bought my first "surf beads" - I was sooooo hip!), when I went up on stage at the end, where he signed my cork (not a euphemism, alas - I picked it up from the stage floor from the bottle used for the Last Supper. Gosh, they knew how to throw a stage party for the audience in those days).<br />
<br />
I interviewed the star once, too, and I didn’t shut up for the three hours over lunch: “I loved you in Godspell and then I bought all your albums and when I saw you in That’ll be the Day with Ringo Starr and you touched that girl’s naked breast and then Ringo said at the miniature golf ‘Good practice for getting things into holes’ and then you were on that suicide mission in Stardust but then I saw you in Evita . . . .” On and on and on. The poor man managed just six words: “Thanks”, every 30 seconds when I paused for breath during my adulatory monologue.<br />
<br />
Anyway, have a great Easter, everyone, and keep watching your favourite shows! Check out my other blog, too, http://lanotsoconfidential.blogspot.com.<br />
<br />
PS But dammit!!! Chris Chittell!!!! And Sidney Poitier!!!!! Listen up, people! AND LEARN!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-45281091694862747672011-01-01T22:23:00.001-08:002011-02-04T16:29:00.436-08:00New Year, New MiseryAlready, I am exhausted. <br />
<br />
Not from enduring both the UK and the US New Year celebrations in LA (4pm and midnight, respectively), but because the soaps have seen in 2011 with about as much cheer as the Australian cricket team.<br />
<br />
Val walked out on Eric in Emmerdale, after suspecting him of having killed his wife following the plane crash of 1993 (30th of December, to be precise – another not so happy New Year); EastEnders’ Ronnie swapped her baby with Kat’s, after her own suffered a cot death; and Coronation Street’s Tracy was left for dead after having her head bashed in.<br />
<br />
Seventeen years is a long time for Eric to be called to account for his actions on the night of the plane crash, but he assured Val that he was incapable of murder. I have to agree; if he were, surely he would have bumped off most of the other irritating women who have crossed his path over the years, Val included. <br />
<br />
I suspect she’ll be back, not least because the tiny case she whizzed down the garden path when she left so hurriedly couldn’t have been holding more than a toothbrush and a pair of tights.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, in the Woolpack, there was more violence on the karaoke, where every song was being strangled. And it looked as if Mia might go the same way, when she kissed Adam and induced the wrath of Scarlett. Expect more Scarlett fever when she learns more. <br />
<br />
Samantha Womack gave the performance of he life as EastEnders' Ronnie, when the character discovered her dead baby. At the end of the show, there were contact details given for anyone who had been “affected” by any of the issues. <br />
<br />
I don’t have children, but I sobbed my way through the whole thing, and Ronnie’s shock, followed by the realisation of what she had done, was totally convincing – certainly a lot more convincing than the doll she had taken from the cot in a scene that made it look as if the baby had grown about 18 inches in the short distance walk between the house and the Vic. <br />
<br />
I’m also not convinced that Alfie wouldn’t have spotted the different baby. Apart from the identical outfits, they had entirely different physical features. Maybe all that staring at the full moon has done more to his eyesight than we realised.<br />
<br />
Coronation Street went for laughs in the vileness with which Tracy treated the locals in the hours leading up to her beating. Although Steve was found with bloodied hands at the scene, there are plenty of suspects.<br />
<br />
1. Emily. David cut her ear when doing her hair, after Tracy went into the salon and goaded him about their sleeping together. Having her hair coloured was the biggest excitement in Emily’s year (although enjoying a sweet sherry was right up there, too), so taking a mallet to Tracy’s head might have been hard to resist.<br />
<br />
2. Nick. Having truly lost Leanne after she discovered he had sex with Tracy, he took to the bottle of whisky, which is always the drink of angry men in Walford (it’s always vodka for angry women, as it is in Weatherfield, too) and invariably brings about fury. When will somebody tell Nick, by the way, that nookie in a bed is not illegal? The wine bar, the bookie’s, alleyways - no floor or wall is too sticky or dusty for him.<br />
<br />
3. David. Always chief suspect at a crime scene, and definitely this one, after Tracy criticised his sexual performance. I still can’t get my head around David being old enough to have sex, especially as he looks barely old enough to turn on his train set, let alone a woman.<br />
<br />
4. Mary. Having had a premonition in which she saw Tracy “lying on a slab”, after being insulted by the younger woman, she’s a good bet. Let’s not forget how she has already managed to kidnap Norris and get herself excluded from Hayley’s wedding (not to mention sabotaging the wedding train); there is darkness there, certainly. A conviction would mean the end of the character, though, and the show can’t afford to lose one of its great comic creations. <br />
<br />
5. Gail. Despite the fact that in one scene, there appeared to be a difference of three feet in height between the women, let’s not forget that Gail has three dead husbands behind her, which is something of a record. That iron is also almost permanently in her grasp, too, so could easily double up as a weapon.<br />
<br />
6. Steve. It’s unlikely that he would kill the mother of his child, much as he is disturbed by her threats to reveal his and Becky’s baby-buying exploits. What was he doing in the alleyway, though, and, more to the point, why does nobody ever lock the door to their yards? <br />
<br />
Whoever turns out to be the attacker, of this much we can be certain: another hilarious court case, more prison scenes with lots of dopey extras, and surely a blue plaque on the street that could justly be re-named Death Row.<br />
<br />
Here's wishing you all a happier New Year than our soap counterparts look likely to have.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-65775055367190003312010-11-19T11:05:00.000-08:002010-11-19T11:05:59.176-08:00A New Twist On Laying The TableThere is only one reason any soap introduces a new drinking venue, and it has nothing to do with providing the locals with somewhere a bit more upmarket than the local pub.<br />
<br />
No, it is purely because a new venue provides a Back Room, and that BR quickly becomes the place where new sexual action takes place.<br />
<br />
You wouldn’t want to touch any of the furniture in the BR – allegedly “the office” - of EastEnders’ R & R, for instance. How many trysts have taken place across the desk, up against the wall, against the door? <br />
<br />
Janine even managed to handcuff Jack to a radiator in there – an event guaranteed to appeal to viewers such as myself, for whom being alone with Jack and a pair of handcuffs in any room would be a more than a fair cop.<br />
<br />
Now, Coronation Street has installed The Joinery, a fancy new wine bar being run by Nick and Leanne, who have taken the joinery aspect of the name a little too literally. On the opening night, they christened the furniture, and next week the BR provides even more opportunities for their illicit affair. <br />
<br />
Who has the awful job of cleaning up after these people, for whom pub furniture is such a turn-on? And at the rate Nick and Leanne are going at it, it’s not just a cleaner they’ll need to tidy the place up, but a joiner – which, under the new banner, might be an appropriate call.<br />
<br />
It’s easy to see why Leanne might prefer Nick to Peter, though. Peter’s an alcoholic with a bad taste in overcoats, his black one clearly so heavy it causes him to stoop, a literal weight on his shoulders; on a dark night, you could be mistaken for thinking you had bumped into the Hunchback of Notre Dame on the cobbles.<br />
<br />
True, he has a very cute son in Simon, but the boy is never going to win Child of the Year in the entertainment stakes. How could he, when the sum total of his playtime in the past year has been kicking the occasional ball around the Red Rec? <br />
<br />
Nick is the better bet in terms of earning potential, although with all that frowning, I suspect Leanne has to take an iron to his forehead, purely in order to make his face kissable. <br />
<br />
Carla giving him grief? One line frown. Hoping to have sex with Leanne? Two. Leanne giving him the brush-off after a night of passion? T’s a veritable Clapham Junction passing through his brow. When the sun is out and he has to squint as well as frown, there is so much frowning action going on, his face shrinks to a shrivelled tangerine. There will doubtless be a lot more frowning in the coming weeks, when Leanne decides which man she prefers.<br />
<br />
Carla, meanwhile, is waiting in the wings for Peter, but with two dead husbands under her belt, I suspect he’ll be taking up refuge in that overcoat a little more often.<br />
<br />
It’s a complicated love pool on the Street at the moment, with Molly still pursuing Kevin, whom she prefers to Tyrone. To be honest, to me all she’s doing is switching cabins on the Titanic, but each to her own.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, in Albert Square, sexual activity is about to move out of the back room and into other venues, including Phil’s car. <br />
<br />
At least it takes the pressure off the poor old furniture for a change.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-25474434718285447932010-11-04T13:24:00.000-07:002011-01-01T22:44:47.526-08:00Full Moon Over Walford - AgainAnother full moon over Albert Square tonight. <br />
<br />
Sorry, but there isn’t one outside my window. Not even close. The wind is howling, the rain falling, and there is nothing but black, illuminated by the occasional firework.<br />
<br />
Yes, I know that the show is filmed in advance, but Walford has more full moons than the man who lives in it. The scriptwriter or producer who came up with giving Alfie (Shane Richie) the surname Moon has a lot to answer for, because every time the character enjoys an over-emotional moment, out it comes. <br />
<br />
And there it was again tonight, as Alfie went down on one knee to Kat (Jessie Wallace), the woman who already is his wife. Great, she must have thought, another cheap, disgusting ring, and, Oh no, here comes the full moon to illuminate just how cheap and nasty it really is.<br />
<br />
“By the light of my pal up there, the moon . . . “ Alfie began. Did he really have to tell us who his pal was? It was never going to be “By the light of my pal the South East Electricity Board, was it?” – or whatever extortionate service now serves the East End (having said that, with the light and power generated from these full moons, who needs a supply anyway)?<br />
<br />
By now, Alfie was gazing up adoringly (cue moon lighting), holding out the box to his lady dressed in purple and gold, her pregnant belly silhouetted against the night sky like a . . . well, a big purple full moon, really, which, if Alfie had been the father, would have been quite apt – she’d be full of Moon, geddit? <br />
<br />
In fact, so enormous was her purpleness, she could have passed for the Big Purple One in Goliath’s Quality Street box. <br />
She agreed to give the relationship another go, while acknowledging the difficulties they were likely to face. You’re telling me – not least, from her tongue.<br />
<br />
Good grief. Did you see it lunge forward as they moved in for the kiss? It didn’t so much enter Alfie's mouth as try to excavate it, as if it was diving into a litre carton of Haagen Dazs on the assumption it was never likely to meet another ice-cream this side of 2011. <br />
<br />
And, once it was in there, it kept scooping and scooping. I was trying to eat my supper of spaghetti Bolognese and had to put it aside until Question Time, when I will hopefully not be feeling quite so nauseous.<br />
Let’s hope the show puts that moon away for a while now, even though, in real life, there’s a New Moon due on Saturday night. <br />
<br />
It has to be a new one, presumably, because EastEnders has nicked all the old ones.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9028219736698260955.post-38017550815794180462010-10-22T20:02:00.000-07:002010-10-25T16:01:45.266-07:00Jaci's Soap Box - Introduction: Top TottyFor fans of my Daily Mail Soapwatch column, published in the Weekend Magazine on Saturdays, this blog will be an extension of the stories featured there. I'll be talking about plots, characters - who's hot and who's not - and sharing inside information about your favourite shows, both in the UK and further afield.<br />
<br />
So, as an introduction, here is my current selection of the hottest males in soap. Feel free to agree or disagree, and welcome to my blog, http://jacinthesoapbox.blogspot.com.<br />
<br />
TOP TOTTY (MALE)<br />
<br />
1. JACK BRANNING (Scott Maslen), EASTENDERS<br />
<br />
Only recently released from his wheelchair after being shot, ex-copper Jack specialises in impregnating girls with the surname Mitchell. So far, he has clocked up Roxy, Sam and Ronnie. It can surely be only a matter of time before Peggy returns, upon discovering that she, too, has been blessed with Jack’s DNA.<br />
<br />
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I hope you’ve got a key for these handcuffs.’ <br />
<br />
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I think I’d rather wait until we’re married.’<br />
<br />
2. CAIN DINGLE (Jeff Hordley), EMMERDALE<br />
<br />
By far and away, soap’s most convincing BOR (Bit Of Rough). Very fond of bedding pretty maidens and kidnapping unpleasant males. Looks as if he hasn’t washed his clothes in a decade (ditto most of the Dingle clan from whence he sprang), but as he is out of them more often than he is in them, it barely matters.<br />
<br />
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Sleep with me or I’ll shoot you.’<br />
<br />
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Has anyone seen my copy of Wuthering Heights?’<br />
<br />
3. KARL KENNEDY (Alan Fletcher), NEIGHBOURS<br />
<br />
Doctor, singer, sensitive husband and father, Karl is more of a BOAR (Bit Of All Right) than a BOR. Tall, dark and handsome, he cheated on wife Susan twice before divorcing and then re-marrying. They have been dubbed the friskiest couple on Ramsay Street and have been caught in the nude together on three occasions. It’s not Sex and the City, but he clearly gives a Castlemaine XXXX for his other half.<br />
<br />
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Why couldn’t I have had just ONE normal kid?’<br />
<br />
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Someone wants to pay me ten grand to sing.’<br />
<br />
4. GRAEME PROCTOR (Craig Gazey), CORONATION STREET<br />
<br />
Graeme’s humour is central to his sex appeal, and after dating psycho David, Tina is glad of the light relief. Graeme may have served time in the young offenders’ institution with David, but he has turned into a man of stature and sensitivity, adding butchering (animals, not people), window-cleaning and general odd-jobbing to his list of skills, which clearly extend to his love-making, too.<br />
<br />
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I worry about the size of my chippolata.’<br />
<br />
LEAST LIKELY SAY: ‘Fancy a nice bit of rump?’<br />
<br />
5. TONY HUTCHINSON (Nick Pickard), HOLLYOAKS<br />
<br />
If it stands still for long enough, the chances are that Tony will bed it, which is why he never has any time to go to the Cash and Carry to buy any vegetables for the poorly stocked restaurant, let alone find time to cook them. A handsome, sexy boy, he is still unlucky in love, which seems fair punishment in return for customers being unlucky in ever getting their ordered meals on the table.<br />
<br />
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I can show you a much better use for that whipped cream.’<br />
<br />
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I have three Michelin stars.’Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1