Which Soap is my Favourite? The Truth . . .

The question I most frequently get asked about the soaps is “Which is your favourite?”

The truth is, it varies.

For the most part, I think the writing in Coronation Street beats all the others hands down. The combination of pathos and laugh aloud humour manifests itself both in big, hard-hitting storylines and also lighter ones.

  

EastEnders is not without its laughs, too. Jake Wood, who plays Max, has terrific comic timing and can also do the heavy stuff (his farewell scenes with Tanya were among the best the show has ever done). I also like EastEnders for Jack. Oh yes, Jack. Dark, handsome Jack, who was once handcuffed to a radiator – a vision that has never left me, even after all these years.

  

Emmerdale has some terrific characters, but its recent heavy reliance on drug plots has, for me, been tedious. I know it’s an important issue; it’s just one that has never interested me. But they have plenty of animals – and that’s always an attraction.

  

Hollyoaks has an abundance of eye candy and non-stop action these days. Every week brings another “revelation” or a “blast from the past” for at least one character.

  

The Australian soaps cannot match ours for dialogue or plot, but Neighbours has the divine Dr Karl (whose medical skills know no bounds – is there anything he cannot treat?), and Home and Away has the hilarious Marilyn.

  

Personally, I preferred Home and Away when Summer Bay was exactly that – a Bay, with golden sand and waves, rather then the gangland breeding ground for sun-worshiping Mafia types it has become. There is way too much violence now, too many guns, and too many hospitals with people lying in comas – or recuperating following one of the show’s ubiquitous car crashes.

  

I’m a big fan of American soaps, although the dropping of 90210 has been traumatising. Still, it became too heavy on promoting the musical careers of its stars (something to which Australian soaps are also prone), and there are only so many men in Beverly Hills with whom Naomi could have endured yet another disastrous relationship.

  

So, the answer to which soap is my favourite, is: it varies from day to day, hour to hour.

But give me good writing, strong characters and top totty and I’m happy.

CHECK OUT MY BLOG ABOUT AMERICAN TV ON http://jascisusbox.blogspot.com

AND ALSO .MY  LOS ANGELES BLOG

http://lanotsoconfidential.blogspot.com

FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER @welshjaci and @jacissoapbox

    

What's Hot, What's Not

WHAT’S HOT AND WHAT’S NOT IN THE WORLD OF SOAP

HOT

1. David Essex as Eddie Moon (EastEnders). I once interviewed him for two hours, during which time he got in barely six words – “Thanks”, every 20 minutes, as I gushed about his many talents.

2. Dr Matt (Coronation Street). Can’t help wondering what he finds to talk about with Tina, though. Safe to say it’s not Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

3. Slow burning relationship between Lauren and Marlon (Emmerdale). Hurry up and take her over that stove, man; the suspense is killing us.

4. Father Francis (Hollyoaks). For a man of the cloth, he isn’t half quick to contemplate getting out of it at every opportunity. He’s probably downing the communion wine behind closed doors, too.

5. Performances from Alison King and Andrew Lancel as Carla and Frank (Coronation Street). Outstanding stuff in the ongoing rape storyline. And there’s more to come.

NOT

1. Dev’s son Aadi, allegedly being the next Tiger Woods (Coronation Street). Hard to believe any kids springing from Dev’s loins could be talented at anything. Let’s hope the kid puts that club to good use off the golf course.

2. Amy/Air-Mee’s hair (Emmerdale). Is it animal, vegetable or mineral? Whichever, it looks in need of a good wash. Well, a shearing wouldn’t go amiss, either.

3. Rosie’s new short hairdo (Coronation Street). Hard to believe she’s been picking up modelling jobs with it. Next week she claims to have landed a stint on Lorraine Kelly, on the catwalk. Yeah, right. And I’m a haggis.

4. Toadie’s new job with the Council (Neighbours). If we thought his job as a solicitor was dull, this one is a veritable rigor mortis of excitement.

5. Hayley’s red mac (Coronation Street). She’s been cemented into it since day one in 1998. Is there anyone on the planet who doesn’t buy a new coat at least once every 13 years?

Easter Soap Thoughts

So, the baby story on EastEnders has finally come to an end, and that now leaves me free to ponder all those niggling, worrying questions that I have been shelving.

Such as: what has happened to Paddy’s hair in Emmerdale? I have been Googling this for a while, and apparently there is no sinister story: the general theory is that he has been wearing a wig for some time (I hadn’t even noticed) and probably just got fed up with the heat of filming under it (I suspect Corrie’s Sophie has the same feeling under that crinoline toilet roll cover of a beret she has been wearing of late).

Also, on Emmerdale: what has happened to Kelly’s face? I adore Adele Silva, who plays her (nobody bitches it better), but how and when did she acquire those lips?

Did she give birth to Elliott through her mouth?

As a side note in relation to Emmerdale . . . I was watching (for about the 20th time) To Sir With Love today and noticed, in the credits, the name of Christopher Chittell (along with names such as Lulu, Judy Geeson and Adrienne Posta – all very big in their day, for those of you young enough to be my children/grand children). He had a pretty signifiacent role, too, as the young Potter. And he is amazing.

I assumed it was the same Chris (and subsequently discovered it to be him - thank you, again, Google), who has brilliantly (and just as amazingly) been playing Eric Pollard for aeons in Emmerdale, and I was really thrilled to see his name in the credits of what is, to me, one of the greatest films ever made. Blimey! He is one of the most lovely actors I have ever met and could - and should - be screaming from the rooftops about this role, which his young self carries off with extraordinary sensitivity.

I don't care how long ago it was. Talent is talent. Gosh. Honestly. I'm even more in awe of him than I already was. How many of you know this about the guy?

If you haven’t seen To Sir With Love (virtual children and grand children!), do! It is an incredible, brave film, with a moral heart that is so lacking in much of today’s cinema, and I spent Good Friday in tears after watching the star of the movie, Sidney Poitier, in another of his great films, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

I met Sidney last year in LA and was beside myself with excitement. We often forget how far we have come in relation to prejudice, not only in relation to racism, but life in general – and how very far we still have to go. Anyway, I was thrilled to see Chris’s name, and young performers should be reminded of what is undoubtedly a privilege to be working with actors who have trodden the boards long before their own trees were even planted. But I digress . . .

So, other things that I have been thinking about . . . How many wigs does Corrie’s Hayley have – one week light brown, the next week dark? Will she ever go shopping for a new Mac (the coat, not the laptop) to replace that red one, and could she possibly take EastEnders’ Alfie, cemented into that black leather jacket, with her when she does?

Will EastEnders’ Jack ever have sex with anyone who (a) doesn’t get pregnant, (b) is me?

Okay, I digress again, but he really is the hottest totty out there at the moment, although I await David Essex’s arrival with great trepidation). I saw Mr Essex in Godspell in London's Wyndham's Theatre in 1972 (the year I bought my first "surf beads" - I was sooooo hip!), when I went up on stage at the end, where he signed my cork (not a euphemism, alas - I picked it up from the stage floor from the bottle used for the Last Supper. Gosh, they knew how to throw a stage party for the audience in those days).

I interviewed the star once, too, and I didn’t shut up for the three hours over lunch: “I loved you in Godspell and then I bought all your albums and when I saw you in That’ll be the Day with Ringo Starr and you touched that girl’s naked breast and then Ringo said at the miniature golf ‘Good practice for getting things into holes’ and then you were on that suicide mission in Stardust but then I saw you in Evita . . . .” On and on and on. The poor man managed just six words: “Thanks”, every 30 seconds when I paused for breath during my adulatory monologue.

Anyway, have a great Easter, everyone, and keep watching your favourite shows! Check out my other blog, too, http://lanotsoconfidential.blogspot.com.

PS But dammit!!! Chris Chittell!!!! And Sidney Poitier!!!!! Listen up, people! AND LEARN!

New Year, New Misery

Already, I am exhausted.

Not from enduring both the UK and the US New Year celebrations in LA (4pm and midnight, respectively), but because the soaps have seen in 2011 with about as much cheer as the Australian cricket team.

Val walked out on Eric in Emmerdale, after suspecting him of having killed his wife following the plane crash of 1993 (30th of December, to be precise – another not so happy New Year); EastEnders’ Ronnie swapped her baby with Kat’s, after her own suffered a cot death; and Coronation Street’s Tracy was left for dead after having her head bashed in.

Seventeen years is a long time for Eric to be called to account for his actions on the night of the plane crash, but he assured Val that he was incapable of murder. I have to agree; if he were, surely he would have bumped off most of the other irritating women who have crossed his path over the years, Val included.

I suspect she’ll be back, not least because the tiny case she whizzed down the garden path when she left so hurriedly couldn’t have been holding more than a toothbrush and a pair of tights.

Meanwhile, in the Woolpack, there was more violence on the karaoke, where every song was being strangled. And it looked as if Mia might go the same way, when she kissed Adam and induced the wrath of Scarlett. Expect more Scarlett fever when she learns more.

Samantha Womack gave the performance of he life as EastEnders' Ronnie, when the character discovered her dead baby. At the end of the show, there were contact details given for anyone who had been “affected” by any of the issues.

I don’t have children, but I sobbed my way through the whole thing, and Ronnie’s shock, followed by the realisation of what she had done, was totally convincing – certainly a lot more convincing than the doll she had taken from the cot in a scene that made it look as if the baby had grown about 18 inches in the short distance walk between the house and the Vic.

I’m also not convinced that Alfie wouldn’t have spotted the different baby. Apart from the identical outfits, they had entirely different physical features. Maybe all that staring at the full moon has done more to his eyesight than we realised.

Coronation Street went for laughs in the vileness with which Tracy treated the locals in the hours leading up to her beating. Although Steve was found with bloodied hands at the scene, there are plenty of suspects.

1. Emily. David cut her ear when doing her hair, after Tracy went into the salon and goaded him about their sleeping together. Having her hair coloured was the biggest excitement in Emily’s year (although enjoying a sweet sherry was right up there, too), so taking a mallet to Tracy’s head might have been hard to resist.

2. Nick. Having truly lost Leanne after she discovered he had sex with Tracy, he took to the bottle of whisky, which is always the drink of angry men in Walford (it’s always vodka for angry women, as it is in Weatherfield, too) and invariably brings about fury. When will somebody tell Nick, by the way, that nookie in a bed is not illegal? The wine bar, the bookie’s, alleyways - no floor or wall is too sticky or dusty for him.

3. David. Always chief suspect at a crime scene, and definitely this one, after Tracy criticised his sexual performance. I still can’t get my head around David being old enough to have sex, especially as he looks barely old enough to turn on his train set, let alone a woman.

4. Mary. Having had a premonition in which she saw Tracy “lying on a slab”, after being insulted by the younger woman, she’s a good bet. Let’s not forget how she has already managed to kidnap Norris and get herself excluded from Hayley’s wedding (not to mention sabotaging the wedding train); there is darkness there, certainly. A conviction would mean the end of the character, though, and the show can’t afford to lose one of its great comic creations.

5. Gail. Despite the fact that in one scene, there appeared to be a difference of three feet in height between the women, let’s not forget that Gail has three dead husbands behind her, which is something of a record. That iron is also almost permanently in her grasp, too, so could easily double up as a weapon.

6. Steve. It’s unlikely that he would kill the mother of his child, much as he is disturbed by her threats to reveal his and Becky’s baby-buying exploits. What was he doing in the alleyway, though, and, more to the point, why does nobody ever lock the door to their yards?

Whoever turns out to be the attacker, of this much we can be certain: another hilarious court case, more prison scenes with lots of dopey extras, and surely a blue plaque on the street that could justly be re-named Death Row.

Here's wishing you all a happier New Year than our soap counterparts look likely to have.

A New Twist On Laying The Table

There is only one reason any soap introduces a new drinking venue, and it has nothing to do with providing the locals with somewhere a bit more upmarket than the local pub.

No, it is purely because a new venue provides a Back Room, and that BR quickly becomes the place where new sexual action takes place.

You wouldn’t want to touch any of the furniture in the BR – allegedly “the office” - of EastEnders’ R & R, for instance. How many trysts have taken place across the desk, up against the wall, against the door?

Janine even managed to handcuff Jack to a radiator in there – an event guaranteed to appeal to viewers such as myself, for whom being alone with Jack and a pair of handcuffs in any room would be a more than a fair cop.

Now, Coronation Street has installed The Joinery, a fancy new wine bar being run by Nick and Leanne, who have taken the joinery aspect of the name a little too literally. On the opening night, they christened the furniture, and next week the BR provides even more opportunities for their illicit affair.

Who has the awful job of cleaning up after these people, for whom pub furniture is such a turn-on? And at the rate Nick and Leanne are going at it, it’s not just a cleaner they’ll need to tidy the place up, but a joiner – which, under the new banner, might be an appropriate call.

It’s easy to see why Leanne might prefer Nick to Peter, though. Peter’s an alcoholic with a bad taste in overcoats, his black one clearly so heavy it causes him to stoop, a literal weight on his shoulders; on a dark night, you could be mistaken for thinking you had bumped into the Hunchback of Notre Dame on the cobbles.

True, he has a very cute son in Simon, but the boy is never going to win Child of the Year in the entertainment stakes. How could he, when the sum total of his playtime in the past year has been kicking the occasional ball around the Red Rec?

Nick is the better bet in terms of earning potential, although with all that frowning, I suspect Leanne has to take an iron to his forehead, purely in order to make his face kissable.

Carla giving him grief? One line frown. Hoping to have sex with Leanne? Two. Leanne giving him the brush-off after a night of passion? T’s a veritable Clapham Junction passing through his brow. When the sun is out and he has to squint as well as frown, there is so much frowning action going on, his face shrinks to a shrivelled tangerine. There will doubtless be a lot more frowning in the coming weeks, when Leanne decides which man she prefers.

Carla, meanwhile, is waiting in the wings for Peter, but with two dead husbands under her belt, I suspect he’ll be taking up refuge in that overcoat a little more often.

It’s a complicated love pool on the Street at the moment, with Molly still pursuing Kevin, whom she prefers to Tyrone. To be honest, to me all she’s doing is switching cabins on the Titanic, but each to her own.

Meanwhile, in Albert Square, sexual activity is about to move out of the back room and into other venues, including Phil’s car.

At least it takes the pressure off the poor old furniture for a change.

Full Moon Over Walford - Again

Another full moon over Albert Square tonight.

Sorry, but there isn’t one outside my window. Not even close. The wind is howling, the rain falling, and there is nothing but black, illuminated by the occasional firework.

Yes, I know that the show is filmed in advance, but Walford has more full moons than the man who lives in it. The scriptwriter or producer who came up with giving Alfie (Shane Richie) the surname Moon has a lot to answer for, because every time the character enjoys an over-emotional moment, out it comes.

And there it was again tonight, as Alfie went down on one knee to Kat (Jessie Wallace), the woman who already is his wife. Great, she must have thought, another cheap, disgusting ring, and, Oh no, here comes the full moon to illuminate just how cheap and nasty it really is.

“By the light of my pal up there, the moon . . . “ Alfie began. Did he really have to tell us who his pal was? It was never going to be “By the light of my pal the South East Electricity Board, was it?” – or whatever extortionate service now serves the East End (having said that, with the light and power generated from these full moons, who needs a supply anyway)?

By now, Alfie was gazing up adoringly (cue moon lighting), holding out the box to his lady dressed in purple and gold, her pregnant belly silhouetted against the night sky like a . . . well, a big purple full moon, really, which, if Alfie had been the father, would have been quite apt – she’d be full of Moon, geddit?

In fact, so enormous was her purpleness, she could have passed for the Big Purple One in Goliath’s Quality Street box.
She agreed to give the relationship another go, while acknowledging the difficulties they were likely to face. You’re telling me – not least, from her tongue.

Good grief. Did you see it lunge forward as they moved in for the kiss? It didn’t so much enter Alfie's mouth as try to excavate it, as if it was diving into a litre carton of Haagen Dazs on the assumption it was never likely to meet another ice-cream this side of 2011.

And, once it was in there, it kept scooping and scooping. I was trying to eat my supper of spaghetti Bolognese and had to put it aside until Question Time, when I will hopefully not be feeling quite so nauseous.
Let’s hope the show puts that moon away for a while now, even though, in real life, there’s a New Moon due on Saturday night.

It has to be a new one, presumably, because EastEnders has nicked all the old ones.

Jaci's Soap Box - Introduction: Top Totty

For fans of my Daily Mail Soapwatch column, published in the Weekend Magazine on Saturdays, this blog will be an extension of the stories featured there. I'll be talking about plots, characters - who's hot and who's not - and sharing inside information about your favourite shows, both in the UK and further afield.

So, as an introduction, here is my current selection of the hottest males in soap. Feel free to agree or disagree, and welcome to my blog, http://jacinthesoapbox.blogspot.com.

TOP TOTTY (MALE)

1. JACK BRANNING (Scott Maslen), EASTENDERS

Only recently released from his wheelchair after being shot, ex-copper Jack specialises in impregnating girls with the surname Mitchell. So far, he has clocked up Roxy, Sam and Ronnie. It can surely be only a matter of time before Peggy returns, upon discovering that she, too, has been blessed with Jack’s DNA.

MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I hope you’ve got a key for these handcuffs.’

LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I think I’d rather wait until we’re married.’

2. CAIN DINGLE (Jeff Hordley), EMMERDALE

By far and away, soap’s most convincing BOR (Bit Of Rough). Very fond of bedding pretty maidens and kidnapping unpleasant males. Looks as if he hasn’t washed his clothes in a decade (ditto most of the Dingle clan from whence he sprang), but as he is out of them more often than he is in them, it barely matters.

MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Sleep with me or I’ll shoot you.’

LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Has anyone seen my copy of Wuthering Heights?’

3. KARL KENNEDY (Alan Fletcher), NEIGHBOURS

Doctor, singer, sensitive husband and father, Karl is more of a BOAR (Bit Of All Right) than a BOR. Tall, dark and handsome, he cheated on wife Susan twice before divorcing and then re-marrying. They have been dubbed the friskiest couple on Ramsay Street and have been caught in the nude together on three occasions. It’s not Sex and the City, but he clearly gives a Castlemaine XXXX for his other half.

MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Why couldn’t I have had just ONE normal kid?’

LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Someone wants to pay me ten grand to sing.’

4. GRAEME PROCTOR (Craig Gazey), CORONATION STREET

Graeme’s humour is central to his sex appeal, and after dating psycho David, Tina is glad of the light relief. Graeme may have served time in the young offenders’ institution with David, but he has turned into a man of stature and sensitivity, adding butchering (animals, not people), window-cleaning and general odd-jobbing to his list of skills, which clearly extend to his love-making, too.

MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I worry about the size of my chippolata.’

LEAST LIKELY SAY: ‘Fancy a nice bit of rump?’

5. TONY HUTCHINSON (Nick Pickard), HOLLYOAKS

If it stands still for long enough, the chances are that Tony will bed it, which is why he never has any time to go to the Cash and Carry to buy any vegetables for the poorly stocked restaurant, let alone find time to cook them. A handsome, sexy boy, he is still unlucky in love, which seems fair punishment in return for customers being unlucky in ever getting their ordered meals on the table.

MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I can show you a much better use for that whipped cream.’

LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I have three Michelin stars.’