For fans of my Daily Mail Soapwatch column, published in the Weekend Magazine on Saturdays, this blog will be an extension of the stories featured there. I'll be talking about plots, characters - who's hot and who's not - and sharing inside information about your favourite shows, both in the UK and further afield.
So, as an introduction, here is my current selection of the hottest males in soap. Feel free to agree or disagree, and welcome to my blog, http://jacinthesoapbox.blogspot.com.
TOP TOTTY (MALE)
1. JACK BRANNING (Scott Maslen), EASTENDERS
Only recently released from his wheelchair after being shot, ex-copper Jack specialises in impregnating girls with the surname Mitchell. So far, he has clocked up Roxy, Sam and Ronnie. It can surely be only a matter of time before Peggy returns, upon discovering that she, too, has been blessed with Jack’s DNA.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I hope you’ve got a key for these handcuffs.’
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I think I’d rather wait until we’re married.’
2. CAIN DINGLE (Jeff Hordley), EMMERDALE
By far and away, soap’s most convincing BOR (Bit Of Rough). Very fond of bedding pretty maidens and kidnapping unpleasant males. Looks as if he hasn’t washed his clothes in a decade (ditto most of the Dingle clan from whence he sprang), but as he is out of them more often than he is in them, it barely matters.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Sleep with me or I’ll shoot you.’
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Has anyone seen my copy of Wuthering Heights?’
3. KARL KENNEDY (Alan Fletcher), NEIGHBOURS
Doctor, singer, sensitive husband and father, Karl is more of a BOAR (Bit Of All Right) than a BOR. Tall, dark and handsome, he cheated on wife Susan twice before divorcing and then re-marrying. They have been dubbed the friskiest couple on Ramsay Street and have been caught in the nude together on three occasions. It’s not Sex and the City, but he clearly gives a Castlemaine XXXX for his other half.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Why couldn’t I have had just ONE normal kid?’
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘Someone wants to pay me ten grand to sing.’
4. GRAEME PROCTOR (Craig Gazey), CORONATION STREET
Graeme’s humour is central to his sex appeal, and after dating psycho David, Tina is glad of the light relief. Graeme may have served time in the young offenders’ institution with David, but he has turned into a man of stature and sensitivity, adding butchering (animals, not people), window-cleaning and general odd-jobbing to his list of skills, which clearly extend to his love-making, too.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I worry about the size of my chippolata.’
LEAST LIKELY SAY: ‘Fancy a nice bit of rump?’
5. TONY HUTCHINSON (Nick Pickard), HOLLYOAKS
If it stands still for long enough, the chances are that Tony will bed it, which is why he never has any time to go to the Cash and Carry to buy any vegetables for the poorly stocked restaurant, let alone find time to cook them. A handsome, sexy boy, he is still unlucky in love, which seems fair punishment in return for customers being unlucky in ever getting their ordered meals on the table.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I can show you a much better use for that whipped cream.’
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY: ‘I have three Michelin stars.’